I am afraid of my subconscious.

Last night I had a nightmare. Let me tell you about my nightmares. They aren't the typical nightmares where its just a simple scary movie and I'm the star, who ever controls my nightmares knows exactly what will screw me up inside. Everything thats been bothering me was summed up in my dreams last night. It was overwhelming and I woke up very disoriented. Even the bad feeling my alarm clock gives me when I wake up was in my dream, so when I woke up.. it felt like I couldn't escape my nightmare.

My morning shower. I felt out of control. Locked in an imaginary box.
I don't like nightmares, they are the real deal. Nothing like what you see on TV.
I'm scared to sleep.

Coming to college and ending up where I am today made me feel fearless. Overcoming obstacles, taking them down one by one. The nightmare dealt me a sweet reality check.

you're cute.

through the ups and downs.

i smile and laugh to break the nervous tension..
i miss you.
you're more than just cute.

One word, College. My expectations for college were disappointed in a sense that things didn't fall into place as easily as I thought. I can see groups forming left and right around me but I don't see a group of friends I'll be hanging out for the next four years. My roommates are pretty chill. They aren't the type of roommates I'm going to hang out with but they are definitely cool to live with, that goes for everyone on my floor though.

I think I might've set the bar pretty high for what college is suppose to be like but its only the start of day 3, so I'll have to see what comes my way. A very early start. 9am start.

This is my favorite postsecret for today:

P.S. - I scheduled a nap for myself at 2pm today.

"College is what you make of it" goes in the can along with all the other bullshit sayings everyone says. As we all know.. cliches exist for a reason, we choose to believe or not to believe this but it always gets the best of us. What I'm going to make out of my college experience is...


i feared i would stay up tossing and turning about my life's shit.
its almost 4am, and im tired as fuck. good night.
ill finish this post tomorrow.

While driving home from Cal Berkeley today, I was thinking about how much fun I had there. This trip to Cal was the closure to my summer. I got to go with Alex, Tom, and Austin. I saw everyone I wanted to see there and so much more. I've visited Berkeley a few times before but what made my experience today a lot different was seeing the faces of people from my own grade. My eyes allowed me to believe that this was real, college is really happening.

The talk and hype is leading to something. Kyung, my best buddy, left last night at 4am and I couldn't believe it. I can't just call him and say.. "lets go grab pmt" or go play pool or whatever we usually do. What the hell do I do with myself now? Even crazier, two nights from now... I'll be blogging from UCSC. disbelief..

As I'm driving in my car, I'm a little worried and nervous. I think about all these overwhelming thoughts and don't know how I can handle it. As I'm coming closer and closer to Cupertino, my home, I see a shooting star. A real out of the blue shooting star. I knew it was a sign and in my head, I thought... "I'll be okay."

Last night I went to bed at 1:30am.. hoping to help myself to a better night sleep till 6:30am for my breakfast morning. I ended up tossing and turning.

2am. I decided to crank up the iPod with some cupcake music... cupcake music usually helps me sleep.

2:30am.. "damn its getting late.. what should i do now? hey the window is opened and its still hot." I take off my shirt hoping I get more comfortable.

2:40am.. "im not getting chilly fast enough..."
*opens mini fridge next to bed*
"im a genius"

2:45am... "shit this isn't working either. whatever" *closes fridge*

2:50am.. *One Republic - Apologize ends* "hey i wanna pick the next song"
I reach for my ipod.. its not there! "what the hell.. where did it go??"
Under the bed?? No.
On the bed?? No.
On the floor?? No.
On the fridge?? No.

hmm.... lets follow the wires that connect to my speakers....

"shit."

*opens fridge to a frozen ipod*

Let's blaze.

Here's my analogy for you today.

Life is like a fucking race. Any distance of a race, 100meters... 5000meteres, whatever you prefer. (no relevance to your life span, proportions). If you get out too hard on a race, youll burn out. Youll start gasing and shit, and youll just choke on air (or lack of air) and die.. like a little bitch. If you run too fucking slow, youll just be left behind and everyone will be like "ha-ha in your face bitch." The ultimate goal is to get the best time out of yourself......... why? If get the best time, it means you maximized every single second of your race, you live your life to the fullest. It doesn't matter how long or how little that time is as long as you know you reached deep down inside of yourself, and every second in that race you were suffering. Ultimately, that suffering will cross you through the finish line.

The tape at the end of the finish line will taste so much sweeter knowing you maximized your potential. Gasing out is for the people that are scared they wont cross the finish line with the same amount of satisfaction... little do they know, this satisfaction comes with multiple levels of hurt. Being patient, hurt.

Running a slow race is for the people too scared to risk it all (like my past entry). You must be smart and man up to the point where you embrace that pain. The thought of that, nothing is a guarenteed path toward the destination, scares people but it shouldnt scare you away to the point where you wont allow yourself to even come to arms length with the reward. Common word of advice... with all good things, comes bad.

Step out onto your track or life's canvas with a hunger in your eyes. A destination awaits you.