As a freshman in college, people expect you to be mature. You're 18 years old, living on your own. This may be a big step. Little do you know... the childhood still resides inside of you. Here's a funny observation I've made in college.

My professor is a freakin doofus, he tries to make the dumbest jokes but hes not funny and no one laughs. This is how my last lecture played out..

*Professor makes a stupid joke*
*No Laughter*
Professor: "If you take this atom and this other shit...."
"LOL!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!"
Me: "What'd he say?"
Person Next to Me: "HE SWORE! omg, so funny."


College students. Love it.

"More than anything, I wish I can be there with you."

I remember this summer was suppose to be the least academically stressful for me, and it was. Although this was the case, I had a lot of other things that stressed me out. I don't really want to go into detail about the things that stressed me out because ultimately when you talk about something too much, it makes it a bigger deal than it really is.

As these little things dwelled in the back of my head as I was doing all these exciting things during the summer, I saw genuine smiles on the faces of my friends. I dealt with it and eventually college came where things are playing out very nicely for me. I'm really enjoying my time here and I'm taking my time to be thankful for what I got.

I know that even though I'm having a great time with my life, that's not the case for everyone. This post is dedicated to those people that are not having an easy time right now in their lives. Keep your chin up. Don't run and hide. Stand up to those challenges in your face. We all go through the ups and downs. When things get really bad, just remember, the good things that lie ahead will be that much better.

I'm living in a triple in college and how it works is.. you can either have the top or bottom bunk or the top of a loft (a single bunk bed with your desk underneath). Ideally I wanted the bottom bunk because I toss and turn at night, coming from a king size bed back home, a lot. Unfortunately how things unwind, I turned out to be the last of both my roommates to move in. I got the top of the bunk bed. I thought to myself, "Oh well.. man up, don't bitch about it."

First night, I climb onto my bed which is quite the climb I must say, not as cake as it use to be to plop onto my giant bounce house bed back home. I lay down. I sleep on my side and look out and realize there is no fucking guard rail. great. I'm fucked. I look down from my bunk and I see a pleasant six foot drop. Day 1 sleeping situation sucked. I'm hug the wall the entire night. If you can't picture what I mean by hugging a wall, its fetal position tucked against the wall.... like a sad starving prisoner.


Two days later, my father brings me a guard rail form bed, bath, and beyond. Thanks Dad. Saved me.

What brings me to blog about my bed on Day 10 of college is I discovered something new. Aside from the six foot drop, no guard rail, and six foot climb. The ceiling is very close. This new discovery came from last night when I was happily smiling and getting tucked in for bed. My blanket is curled up at the bottom, so like most normal people in normal beds.. I kicked my blankets up to flatten the blanket. In addition to kicking my fucking blanket, I ended up kicking the ceiling. OUCH!

So picture this, my roommates are asleep.. its pitch black. You hear rustling on the top bunk getting in position to sleep and then *thunk* "FUCK!" *Whimper*

My right leg still hurts as I'm typing this right now.

Two quick short stories.

Last night as I was typing my last blog post, I was kind of scared to sleep so it was late at night. I'm in my room with my two roommates sleeping. I turned off all the lights and was just typing on my computer. Do do do.. "NICK!!!" my fuckin roommate screams his friend back home's name. abruptly. I almost piss myself. I was so scared.

Second story,

I went into my big lecture hall class and I figured itd be too hard to meet people. So I decide, what the hell, its college! I'll just sit next to a super hot girl that I can ask to "study" with me. HAHA. I scan the room to look for someone in the sea full of people. I found this girl, I walk across the room... felt kind of awkward, so I gave some breathing room. I sat a seat away from her. no eye contact. I think to myself.. "excellent" I set it up, in 30 minutes Ill go for the kill. Approximately a minute later... a giant ogre fat boy sits in the "breathing seat". Shit. Cockblock wall. Plan fail.

I am afraid of my subconscious.

Last night I had a nightmare. Let me tell you about my nightmares. They aren't the typical nightmares where its just a simple scary movie and I'm the star, who ever controls my nightmares knows exactly what will screw me up inside. Everything thats been bothering me was summed up in my dreams last night. It was overwhelming and I woke up very disoriented. Even the bad feeling my alarm clock gives me when I wake up was in my dream, so when I woke up.. it felt like I couldn't escape my nightmare.

My morning shower. I felt out of control. Locked in an imaginary box.
I don't like nightmares, they are the real deal. Nothing like what you see on TV.
I'm scared to sleep.

Coming to college and ending up where I am today made me feel fearless. Overcoming obstacles, taking them down one by one. The nightmare dealt me a sweet reality check.

you're cute.

through the ups and downs.

i smile and laugh to break the nervous tension..
i miss you.
you're more than just cute.

One word, College. My expectations for college were disappointed in a sense that things didn't fall into place as easily as I thought. I can see groups forming left and right around me but I don't see a group of friends I'll be hanging out for the next four years. My roommates are pretty chill. They aren't the type of roommates I'm going to hang out with but they are definitely cool to live with, that goes for everyone on my floor though.

I think I might've set the bar pretty high for what college is suppose to be like but its only the start of day 3, so I'll have to see what comes my way. A very early start. 9am start.

This is my favorite postsecret for today:

P.S. - I scheduled a nap for myself at 2pm today.

"College is what you make of it" goes in the can along with all the other bullshit sayings everyone says. As we all know.. cliches exist for a reason, we choose to believe or not to believe this but it always gets the best of us. What I'm going to make out of my college experience is...


i feared i would stay up tossing and turning about my life's shit.
its almost 4am, and im tired as fuck. good night.
ill finish this post tomorrow.

While driving home from Cal Berkeley today, I was thinking about how much fun I had there. This trip to Cal was the closure to my summer. I got to go with Alex, Tom, and Austin. I saw everyone I wanted to see there and so much more. I've visited Berkeley a few times before but what made my experience today a lot different was seeing the faces of people from my own grade. My eyes allowed me to believe that this was real, college is really happening.

The talk and hype is leading to something. Kyung, my best buddy, left last night at 4am and I couldn't believe it. I can't just call him and say.. "lets go grab pmt" or go play pool or whatever we usually do. What the hell do I do with myself now? Even crazier, two nights from now... I'll be blogging from UCSC. disbelief..

As I'm driving in my car, I'm a little worried and nervous. I think about all these overwhelming thoughts and don't know how I can handle it. As I'm coming closer and closer to Cupertino, my home, I see a shooting star. A real out of the blue shooting star. I knew it was a sign and in my head, I thought... "I'll be okay."

Last night I went to bed at 1:30am.. hoping to help myself to a better night sleep till 6:30am for my breakfast morning. I ended up tossing and turning.

2am. I decided to crank up the iPod with some cupcake music... cupcake music usually helps me sleep.

2:30am.. "damn its getting late.. what should i do now? hey the window is opened and its still hot." I take off my shirt hoping I get more comfortable.

2:40am.. "im not getting chilly fast enough..."
*opens mini fridge next to bed*
"im a genius"

2:45am... "shit this isn't working either. whatever" *closes fridge*

2:50am.. *One Republic - Apologize ends* "hey i wanna pick the next song"
I reach for my ipod.. its not there! "what the hell.. where did it go??"
Under the bed?? No.
On the bed?? No.
On the floor?? No.
On the fridge?? No.

hmm.... lets follow the wires that connect to my speakers....

"shit."

*opens fridge to a frozen ipod*

Let's blaze.

Here's my analogy for you today.

Life is like a fucking race. Any distance of a race, 100meters... 5000meteres, whatever you prefer. (no relevance to your life span, proportions). If you get out too hard on a race, youll burn out. Youll start gasing and shit, and youll just choke on air (or lack of air) and die.. like a little bitch. If you run too fucking slow, youll just be left behind and everyone will be like "ha-ha in your face bitch." The ultimate goal is to get the best time out of yourself......... why? If get the best time, it means you maximized every single second of your race, you live your life to the fullest. It doesn't matter how long or how little that time is as long as you know you reached deep down inside of yourself, and every second in that race you were suffering. Ultimately, that suffering will cross you through the finish line.

The tape at the end of the finish line will taste so much sweeter knowing you maximized your potential. Gasing out is for the people that are scared they wont cross the finish line with the same amount of satisfaction... little do they know, this satisfaction comes with multiple levels of hurt. Being patient, hurt.

Running a slow race is for the people too scared to risk it all (like my past entry). You must be smart and man up to the point where you embrace that pain. The thought of that, nothing is a guarenteed path toward the destination, scares people but it shouldnt scare you away to the point where you wont allow yourself to even come to arms length with the reward. Common word of advice... with all good things, comes bad.

Step out onto your track or life's canvas with a hunger in your eyes. A destination awaits you.

Cross Country

Although I had been pretty disconnected from Cross Country because of track and Payne and all the drama that resides with the team... I must say.. it really made a difference in my life. More than half the friendships I had made from XC, I will take with me for the rest of my life.

This summer when I got the chance to see the familiar faces from my sophomore and junior year in XC, I felt this pressure below my throat and above my chest. I didn't know what this was until I realized it was the feeling of missing something. I miss XC. My favorite part about summer is that everyone from XC is back and I get to see them.. I wish I had done more of that, raincheck next summer.

Sorry Pooja for not listening to you my senior year and staying with XC. Thanks Tim Mok for convincing me to come out my sophomore year. Thanks to everyone else that shared a smile with me... sweaty, wearing ugly purple clothes at the end of a race.

From my transitional summer from high school to college, I've learned something about life. Life is a lot like Poker (Texas Hold'em if you wanna get technical). Everyone is dealt a hand. Some people are dealt good hands, some bad, some just okay. The thing is, no matter how big the pot (whatever you're playing for), anyone can walk away with the winnings. The person who has to bluff his way through it all to win, still has a shot at winning. Not saying that people should lie their way through life, if that's what you're thinking. Some people just don't understand the art of bluffing.

Bluffing is pretending you have something you don't or pretending you don't have something as good as you do. Its not lying, its like flirting. The lie is mutual, everyone assumes you're lying. Bluffing also requires you to convince yourself that you know what your opponent has and whatever you have is always better. This takes skill. It requires you to sometimes even forget the rules of the game.

Bluffing in life, you HAVE to forget the rules sometimes... and just let it all hang out. You gotta take a risk and go all in. Lets say someone with a better hand calls you out on it... you lose everything. *tear Leaving with half filled pockets and wondering what would have happened is a lot worse than leaving with empty pockets and knowing there's nothing you could've have done but you tried. Personally, I'd rather walk away from a table with all or nothing. When you walk away with nothing, it'd actually feel like you're walking away with everything. You're a superhero. No one can touch you because you're someone's thats risked it all.. and not many people can say they have.

In the game of life, I feel I'm dealt a Jack and 10 of spades. On the flop... Ace of spades, Jack of hearts, and 8 of diamonds. The possibility of me hitting a flush is still possible, I hit the jack. To win legitly.. I'd say I have a good 40% chance. Even if I don't have the winning hand by the time the river comes out, the pot can be still mine and thats all I need to know to live an exciting, adventurous, and fun life. Anything is possible. People say life isn't about luck or the cards you're dealt, but I say its how you play your hand and just a little bit of luck. :)

The end, the beginning...

So high school is over. Everyone tries their best to think about all the good times but inevitably, you think about what you regret. The biggest thing I regret about high school is that I was a big pussy. The one thing that didn't allow me to make the best of my time in high school is the fact that I was too scared to take what I want.

I was too scared at races, so I choked all the time. I was too scared to go for wrestling/football, "I'm too small to play so I'll just play hockey cause I can at least skate", I was too scared to take Art 1 as a freshmen cause I mightve gotten a B in an elective and took it senior year instead... surprise surprise.. i shoulda been in art4 by now, I was too scared of what people thought of me, i was too scared of everything and it held me back from being who I am. I try to be loud and confident to hide away my lack of self-confidence.

Here's my chance to be myself and take on life balls out. I quit track, I'm done with high school.

Raw.

Graduation: Up and Coming

We are about to experience the whole world and what it has to offer. A world beyond Monta Vista. What we take with us on the journey that lies ahead is our experiences and memories we shared. The challenge we have yet to face is making a world out of the new world we step into and the world we step out of.

So my parents bought a new house in Los Gatos and we don't get to move in till july since the people that own it dont leave till then but my apartment contract is up in june due to my parent's excellent planning. rofl. anyway I have to live with my brother from now till then.

Moving into my brothers place i had to bring my turtle with me. I hadn't seen my turtle in so long cause we kept it in such a very discrete place in my apartment that I completely forgot I even have a turtle It's sitting next to me here in the living room right now.

After forgetting about my turtle for a while I realized that since I'm graduating soon... there are a few of my friends, like my turtle, that I forgot about. This year, being senior year and all, I made a conscious effort to try and talk to these people but I can't. Our conversations remain at a mere shallow level of intimacy. Its so sad because these are the people I grew up with and grew to love so much. I guess its because of my immature ways in the past that imprinted a bad impression of myself in their minds. If I hadn't worried about what others thought of me and enjoyed my time spent with my friends, then things maybe would have turned out differently.

I wish that maybe one day they'll forgive and maybe forget someday. What I hope for the most is that I'll get an opportunity in the future to rekindle these irreplaceable relationships.

Till then... college is my new opportunity to start over new and not make the same mistakes I had made in my past.

Unrequited Love

Unrequited (Adj) - Not returned or reciprocated

Some say "the worst kind of love is unrequited love", I disagree. I believe unrequited love gives us the ability to fall in true love. When someone is sincerely in love, they care about the person deep down in their heart. It takes so much to do the little things that matter in someone's life and not care if its appreciated. Its even more unbelievable the fact that people do it effortlessly.


A shoulder to cry on. When someone is in love with someone else.. he'll wait for their call however long it takes. When she does call, crying, about how her boyfriend cheated on her.. he spends all night listening to her cry over the phone. Making snorting noises. He'll listen. Try his best to cheer her up and maybe get her favorite beverage the next morning. She wouldn't even suspect a thing.


Write a letter. When someone is in love with someone else... she'll write him a letter telling him about how much she misses him. Ask if everything is well in college, even if he is getting drunk every night and hooking up with random girls. Do something extremely out of her comfort zone. Pour her guts out while being extremely careful, of course. Maybe one day he'll read in between the lines.

Buy a gift. When someone is in love with someone else... he'll spend all day walking around the mall by himself. Remembering the random things she pointed at but couldnt afford. With the money he saved from his three months worth of lunch, he looks for something special. Something more thoughtful beyond a necklace. He'll give it to her the next day, hoping it won't end up in the back of her closet full of useless shit.


Daydream. When someone is in love with someone else.. they'll think about them. All the time. Hoping that where ever they are, 10000 miles away or 2 classrooms away, they're okay. Knowing that they might even be holding someone else's hand, kissing someone else's cheek, or riding in someone else's car... they're happy. They're happy that he or she is happy, even if it means not with them.

I had a pretty bad week last week, there's no point to bitch and moan about the insignificant events.





I don't like it when people make fun of my height. Go be a shallow bitch somewhere else cause its not wanted here.

When I'm depressed/angry/frustrated/bored/lost/content, I sleep. I go running when I'm feeling those things too.


"If i walk away and just let you leave
You'll be stuck in my head like a melody"
Usher ft. Lil Wayne/Beyonce - Love In This Club PartII

Track

When people are holding their boyfriends hand, hitting 130mph on the highway, juking 20 linebackers, hitting a high note, or falling 1000 ft from the sky, diving... they feel alive. For me, I feel alive on a track.

Before a race, I get jitters inside my stomach and butterflies like I'm about to ask someone special to dance. I try to shake it off by jumping around and doing some warm up sprints but the feeling remains. Seconds before my race is about to start, I feel my palms sweaty (like I'm Eminem). I take a deep breath like I'm about to commit suicide by jumping off a building.

The official running the track then says "Runners go ahead and set your blocks". I rush over, still with the nervous feeling inside my stomach, and grab the first block I see without thinking and slam it on my lane. I adjust my blocks the way my coach taught me.. thinking in my head, "2 palms 2 knuckles forward for my left leg, 1 palm 1 knuckle for my right... behind my left" I take 2 or 3 practice starts before the official says, "alright runners behind your blocks.. take your sweats off." I take off my sweats, shake the two people next to me's hands then take another deep breath. (Note: reminiscing my past races as I'm writing this.. makes me nervous even.)

"Runner's to your mark" This is when I go nuts and all my nerves are going insane and my body has no control of itself. Twitch every part of my body to make sure everything is still attached. I calmly get in my set position and close my eyes. My shoulder is flexing as my elbows are locked in place while keeping myself from falling forward as I'm leaning over the starting line. Deep breath, relax my neck and back. "SET!" My waist slides up in the air. My eyes open. Honing out all senses and sounds around me, waiting for the gun to fire. This is the moment when I just feel nothing in the world matters. All my worries are gone. I am content and ready for anything that hits me. "GO!" From this point on, my body is numb and everything I do is pure instinct and developed habit. I enter a whole new world and the tunnel of vision is focused on the finish line.

Nothing in the world could live up to this moment in my life.

"1 minute
I'm sleepin in a happy home
The next minute
I'm walkin out an open door
(and I'm) driving down the midway
Swerving the car
Tryna get myself together
hopin I don't cry
Want it to get better
But still it's gettin worst
Oh I never thought I'd ever feel this hurt

And now it's all I feel
It's all I feel
So I'm hopin like hell that it ain't for real
Said it's all I feel
It's all I feel
Wishing that it ain't
But I know that it is"

Ray J - "All I feel"

Story of My Life

One of my close friends was at my house the other day and received a phone call from his girlfriend, relatively new. I've known this friend for all of high school. I'm pretty familiar with his ways with girls but not with this particular relationship. To say the least, my friend found high school relationships to be overrated. With this attitude, I didn't really have any expectations for his new relationship. To my surprise, I discovered to find my friend in a whole new element. I have never seen this side of him. How much he cares for his significant other showed through his tone of voice. I never seen him so selfless when talking to another person. This moment inspired to me write this post on the subject of relationships.

I know this is going to sound pathetic on many levels but I feel comfortable with the truth. All of my life from as long as I've remembered, girls had been the epitome of happiness for me. My relationship status with my crush, girlfriend, or whatever determined my mood and spirit. Junior year, my interest in finding a perfect soul mate came to an halt. I guess after a pretty serious friendship/relationship brought me to reality or some would say "maturity".

Initially, I tried to go about my old ways but for some reason this time was different. I had lost my passion and drive. I didn't know what I was searching for anymore.

With this new mind set, I lost direction in my life. I didn't have a backbone to keep me going. Although my junior year was fun, it was a blur of recklessness. Then came senior year where I took a hold of things. I collected myself and became independent. I would say this is a huge step towards maturity and adulthood. I found goals and made progressive strides. This is what led to my passion for sprinting (track). With all these new components in my life, filled with goals and "happiness" I knew there was something missing.

From observation, a relationship is something everyone searches for. I look around campus and the world in general and I find relationships of different shapes and sizes. People I would never expect to have relationships on their mind are in one. Maybe its just a part of our primitive instincts.

So this brings me back to eavesdropping on my friends phone conversation. It reminded me of why relationships are so special. Although I am independent now, I hope there's someone special there for me


To me, having someone that'll lace fingers with me when I'm driving to get something at Safeway...
someone that'll stay up all night talking to me on the phone...
someone that'll watch transformers with me...
someone that'll listen to music with me in my car...
someone that'll get jamba juice with me on wednesday mornings...
someone that'll make stupid faces with me on the webcam...
someone that'll have pearl shooting wars with me...
someone that'll keep me company before school starts...
someone that'll watch a movie with me on my couch...
someone that'll pick me up when my car is not available for whatever reason...
someone that'll take a nap with me after school...
someone that'll kiss me on the cheek when I'm feeling down...
this is someone that'd make my life worth a million times more than what it is.

Can You Let Me Know

Lupe Fiasco - Can You Let Me Know
Featuring: Verbal (M-flo), Sarah Greene
My universe froze
Ain't a situation I chose
But it chose me
When I caught a glimpse
Of a beautiful just posin'
I know that all them rappers be talkin' about hoes and clother
But she ain't that type, ya see
Anyway I'm still froze like Megatron in cryogenic form
I need to get warm
She's my cue, I gotta transform
So I can come through with whatever she won't
She already flossed and glossed charmed like the four seas
Can't imagine what her closet will cost me
Yea, my brain spin with velocity
Thinkin' 'bout ways to get up
Wishing but I can't that I could be the man
So I just stand, wishin' I could ask her.

Can you let me know?
Baby can we get up together?
I like this, I'll treat you better
Don't waste no more time, Baby
Maybe we can go
Baby I'm down to do whatever
I don't really care it dosen't matter
Let's not waste no time
Maybe, let's go.

Chronic Stress

So I've received rejection letters from the following schools: UC - SD, LA, SB, and Davis. Warmly welcomed by UC Santa Cruz and left in suspense by UC Irvine. It depresses me knowing I got owned so bad. I don't even know how I found the will-power to write this post at attempt #3.

I haven't had the ability to sleep before 12AM these past couple of days due to frantically checking my email for word from Irvine.

I'm happy for my friends who have somewhere pleasant to go next year. Getting into college is like proving you're smart enough to belong with people at your same level of intelligence. Although I know I'm smart enough to go to Irvine, SB, and Davis, the fact that the UC admissions don't believe I am disappoints my family and somewhat my friends. (aka, "that dumbass is going to de anza/santa cruz next year? what a loser")

I had more to say but I've lost the will to write anymore.

Monta Vista Track

My first dual meet is next thursday, march 6th @ gunn.

I've been starving for this season to kick off.

First Meet: (Tomorrow) Los Gatos All Comers

This is it... Time to take and not ask for what I want.


"This is the story of a champion Rounders in the mob and they pop the guns Stand up stand up! Here he comes Tell me what it takes to be number one Tell me what it takes to be number one"
Kanye West - "Champion"

you don't need wings in order to fly...

Valentine's Day

Oh my god, my favorite time of the year is coming up(... not), Valentine's Day!

Let me tell you something about this special holiday, it's just like Christmas. Valentine's Day is for the spoiled. Those that want everything and get everything they want. Let's Elaborate. The idea of V-day is that you get a special day of the year to celebrate the love between you and your special someone. The chances of having a special someone to spend this day with is the same chance you'll have parents that go out of the way to fool you into thinking that everything you wanted is under a tree with a star on it because of some fat ass in a red suit. You must be thinking I'm some cynical dick face right now, you're pretty much right but I wasn't always this way. Actually, I was the complete opposite. I use to think that fate was real. "Everyone has a special someone that they will eventually end up with no matter what decision they make in life." Everyone has a happy ending. (Too bad that's not the case) I would listen to cupcake music all the time and thought my life could relate with the words. (lol.. ) I pictured myself in a relationship with kisses on the cheek, holding hands in the hallway , and talking late night on the phone.

A lot has changed throughout the years. Ultimately my beliefs now are simply explained in the irony of this last picture.

Simplot Games

Exactly two weeks from now I'm going to be in Pocatello, Idaho for my first track meet of the year. I've been training for this season since August. Although I've given up so much for this track season, I know it's going to be worth it when I step out on that track.

Lupe Fiasco - "Fighters"
When the fighters are all around
All the lovers are underground
No one will save you anymore
So what's happening, what you rapping about?
It's a boy. Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money?
The world?

The truth is that I was never really that fast when it comes to running. I've had chronic shin splints bothering me since day one on the track. No excuse. Although the odds were against me, I'm working past it all and I dropped 2 seconds off my hundred time in the last couple of months. Now I'm about to run at a national level in just two weeks. I'm nervous but I'm not scared. In an individual sport like track, your teammates can't pick up your slack. Whatever your coach says after you do something wrong doesn't make anything better since its all you. Well when I step out on the track, I'm gonna get it. I don't care if I'm going up against the fastest people my age. I'm still gonna catch 'em. This is what I want, I'm running for myself and not anyone else. Whatever it takes. No regrets.

Verdadera

The next Verdadera topic: Loss
I decide to submit an entry of my own but don't really care if people know its me so decided to put it on my blog.

When I see how the people around me change because of the loss of loved ones, I think to myself why I hadn't gone through the same dramatic experience. Am I that cold-blooded? I always expect myself to break down and cry but it never happens. For instance, my sophomore year , my dad's side grandparents were both hit by a car. I spent 12 hours in the ER with my family as we unfortunately were only met with bad news. I had lost the only 2 grandparents I had left. I watched as my entire family broke out in tears and couldn't even control their breathing. I sat and watched. Nothing. I wanted to punch myself for two reasons. One was so I could join my family in their crying session and two because I deserved it for being a heartless asshole. When I ask my friends if there was something wrong with me, I get the answer: "It's okay, we all know our grandparents are going to die sooner or later. You probably weren't even that close with them." The thing is.. I was close with my grandparents. I spent 6 summers of my childhood at their house. When I add everything up, I come to one conclusion. I believe the reason why I don't have any feelings of great anxiety, depression from my current loss of love ones is because my fate has something incredibly horrible in store for me. Allowing me the comfort for now. When I say incredibly horrible, I am referring to the following scenarios: My life in the future. I have a great job, family, and absolutely everything is going well. Then.. 1. my wife, the love of my life, dies. 2. my children die in a tragic accident. 3. my entire family dies. I know its depressing and you must think I have issues for even having these thoughts but its the truth. Its where my mind takes me. How unlikely these scenarios may be, it still scares me. Things that haven't happened don't usually scare me, but when my thoughts create an idea.. it almost makes it real.

TRACK and what it means to me.

Growing up in Cupertino is hard. You're surrounded by people with abilities and gifts, if you don't have one of your own.. its easy to feel left out. I remember my years in elementary and middle school, I felt like something was wrong with me because I just didn't have a passion for something to show off.

Freshmen year: The year that changed my life. This year took its course and flowed through easily. I had just entered high school and my friends were the best, more than I can ask for. School was fun and there was just so much to do. Then my life took its turn when everything began to fall apart towards the end. Good friends were moving, people were changing. When your life takes a turn for the worse, you become a different person. The way I coped with it was by running. Whenever I felt angry with my parents, sad about my friends, frustrated with schoolwork.. I took it outside and ran that energy out of my system. It came to the point where I did so much running, I figured.. why don't I just get some school credits for something I spend my time doing anyway. This ultimately led me to a brand new world.

(who is that loser with the fro at the bottom right?)

Sophomore Year: I can spend hours and hours talking about how Cross Country had changed my life due to the people and the lifestyle, but thats a whole different story. Cross Country was running with schedule for me. I had a set amount of running I had to do every single day and it was okay.. nothing big.


To my surprise, competing in a race with 10 or even less amount of people can turn your inside upside down, kick it around, beat it to a pulp. Running a long distance race is like two people pointing a loaded gun at each other's faces for 20 minutes and in the end they put their guns down in relief.

I had a lot more to say, but i realized how long this blog is going to be.. so I'll be continuing it later.

Introduction

Every time I write in a blog, the first thing I think is... "I wonder how many people would end up reading this." The buddylist amount of possibilities and more. The question falls under so many different levels. I wonder how many people will find something I say funny and end up 'lol'ing infront of their computer while someone is sitting on the side wondering if they're crazy. How many people will silently judge, ridicule, the things I say. The number of people who benefit with a couple of minutes of deep thoughts. These thoughts about blogging online has been with me since the day I first got a Xanga in eighth grade. I thought the idea of blogging online would be like having a journal, yet you can never call an online blog a journal since the personal level is lost. The bond between a journal and its owner lies with the ability to unleash all emotions through literature. Murdered through the wonders of blogging. I am a victim.