Verdadera

The next Verdadera topic: Loss
I decide to submit an entry of my own but don't really care if people know its me so decided to put it on my blog.

When I see how the people around me change because of the loss of loved ones, I think to myself why I hadn't gone through the same dramatic experience. Am I that cold-blooded? I always expect myself to break down and cry but it never happens. For instance, my sophomore year , my dad's side grandparents were both hit by a car. I spent 12 hours in the ER with my family as we unfortunately were only met with bad news. I had lost the only 2 grandparents I had left. I watched as my entire family broke out in tears and couldn't even control their breathing. I sat and watched. Nothing. I wanted to punch myself for two reasons. One was so I could join my family in their crying session and two because I deserved it for being a heartless asshole. When I ask my friends if there was something wrong with me, I get the answer: "It's okay, we all know our grandparents are going to die sooner or later. You probably weren't even that close with them." The thing is.. I was close with my grandparents. I spent 6 summers of my childhood at their house. When I add everything up, I come to one conclusion. I believe the reason why I don't have any feelings of great anxiety, depression from my current loss of love ones is because my fate has something incredibly horrible in store for me. Allowing me the comfort for now. When I say incredibly horrible, I am referring to the following scenarios: My life in the future. I have a great job, family, and absolutely everything is going well. Then.. 1. my wife, the love of my life, dies. 2. my children die in a tragic accident. 3. my entire family dies. I know its depressing and you must think I have issues for even having these thoughts but its the truth. Its where my mind takes me. How unlikely these scenarios may be, it still scares me. Things that haven't happened don't usually scare me, but when my thoughts create an idea.. it almost makes it real.

TRACK and what it means to me.

Growing up in Cupertino is hard. You're surrounded by people with abilities and gifts, if you don't have one of your own.. its easy to feel left out. I remember my years in elementary and middle school, I felt like something was wrong with me because I just didn't have a passion for something to show off.

Freshmen year: The year that changed my life. This year took its course and flowed through easily. I had just entered high school and my friends were the best, more than I can ask for. School was fun and there was just so much to do. Then my life took its turn when everything began to fall apart towards the end. Good friends were moving, people were changing. When your life takes a turn for the worse, you become a different person. The way I coped with it was by running. Whenever I felt angry with my parents, sad about my friends, frustrated with schoolwork.. I took it outside and ran that energy out of my system. It came to the point where I did so much running, I figured.. why don't I just get some school credits for something I spend my time doing anyway. This ultimately led me to a brand new world.

(who is that loser with the fro at the bottom right?)

Sophomore Year: I can spend hours and hours talking about how Cross Country had changed my life due to the people and the lifestyle, but thats a whole different story. Cross Country was running with schedule for me. I had a set amount of running I had to do every single day and it was okay.. nothing big.


To my surprise, competing in a race with 10 or even less amount of people can turn your inside upside down, kick it around, beat it to a pulp. Running a long distance race is like two people pointing a loaded gun at each other's faces for 20 minutes and in the end they put their guns down in relief.

I had a lot more to say, but i realized how long this blog is going to be.. so I'll be continuing it later.

Introduction

Every time I write in a blog, the first thing I think is... "I wonder how many people would end up reading this." The buddylist amount of possibilities and more. The question falls under so many different levels. I wonder how many people will find something I say funny and end up 'lol'ing infront of their computer while someone is sitting on the side wondering if they're crazy. How many people will silently judge, ridicule, the things I say. The number of people who benefit with a couple of minutes of deep thoughts. These thoughts about blogging online has been with me since the day I first got a Xanga in eighth grade. I thought the idea of blogging online would be like having a journal, yet you can never call an online blog a journal since the personal level is lost. The bond between a journal and its owner lies with the ability to unleash all emotions through literature. Murdered through the wonders of blogging. I am a victim.