The next Verdadera topic: Loss
I decide to submit an entry of my own but don't really care if people know its me so decided to put it on my blog.
When I see how the people around me change because of the loss of loved ones, I think to myself why I hadn't gone through the same dramatic experience. Am I that cold-blooded? I always expect myself to break down and cry but it never happens. For instance, my sophomore year , my dad's side grandparents were both hit by a car. I spent 12 hours in the ER with my family as we unfortunately were only met with bad news. I had lost the only 2 grandparents I had left. I watched as my entire family broke out in tears and couldn't even control their breathing. I sat and watched. Nothing. I wanted to punch myself for two reasons. One was so I could join my family in their crying session and two because I deserved it for being a heartless asshole. When I ask my friends if there was something wrong with me, I get the answer: "It's okay, we all know our grandparents are going to die sooner or later. You probably weren't even that close with them." The thing is.. I was close with my grandparents. I spent 6 summers of my childhood at their house. When I add everything up, I come to one conclusion. I believe the reason why I don't have any feelings of great anxiety, depression from my current loss of love ones is because my fate has something incredibly horrible in store for me. Allowing me the comfort for now. When I say incredibly horrible, I am referring to the following scenarios: My life in the future. I have a great job, family, and absolutely everything is going well. Then.. 1. my wife, the love of my life, dies. 2. my children die in a tragic accident. 3. my entire family dies. I know its depressing and you must think I have issues for even having these thoughts but its the truth. Its where my mind takes me. How unlikely these scenarios may be, it still scares me. Things that haven't happened don't usually scare me, but when my thoughts create an idea.. it almost makes it real.
I decide to submit an entry of my own but don't really care if people know its me so decided to put it on my blog.
When I see how the people around me change because of the loss of loved ones, I think to myself why I hadn't gone through the same dramatic experience. Am I that cold-blooded? I always expect myself to break down and cry but it never happens. For instance, my sophomore year , my dad's side grandparents were both hit by a car. I spent 12 hours in the ER with my family as we unfortunately were only met with bad news. I had lost the only 2 grandparents I had left. I watched as my entire family broke out in tears and couldn't even control their breathing. I sat and watched. Nothing. I wanted to punch myself for two reasons. One was so I could join my family in their crying session and two because I deserved it for being a heartless asshole. When I ask my friends if there was something wrong with me, I get the answer: "It's okay, we all know our grandparents are going to die sooner or later. You probably weren't even that close with them." The thing is.. I was close with my grandparents. I spent 6 summers of my childhood at their house. When I add everything up, I come to one conclusion. I believe the reason why I don't have any feelings of great anxiety, depression from my current loss of love ones is because my fate has something incredibly horrible in store for me. Allowing me the comfort for now. When I say incredibly horrible, I am referring to the following scenarios: My life in the future. I have a great job, family, and absolutely everything is going well. Then.. 1. my wife, the love of my life, dies. 2. my children die in a tragic accident. 3. my entire family dies. I know its depressing and you must think I have issues for even having these thoughts but its the truth. Its where my mind takes me. How unlikely these scenarios may be, it still scares me. Things that haven't happened don't usually scare me, but when my thoughts create an idea.. it almost makes it real.
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